Housekeeping
And they said it wouldn't last six days. That's right. The Hitman Observer Newsletter still survives seven days after the first one. With new features! Such as "Your Feedback," a section where you will see your feedback, and I reply to it. There's also chordtype's review of Urban Wrestling Foundation (which I didn't see).
Most importantly, this issue has a PDF version! That's right P! D! F! You can click the little button on the bottom and view this issue in PDF form. You can also print it and pirate it (please don't, I have a skinny wife to feed) and show it to all of your friends. Name another newsletter that lets you do that. As an extra bonus for premium subscribers, you will get Issue #1, also in PDF form! It will be right after this issue, so that's two issues for the price of one.
Well, with that important announcement out of the way, onto the content!
Your Feedback
sirroddick: It sucked
Well, that's not very nice. I tried my best.
Tom Violence: Was very disappointed. Nowhere near enough badly worded jokes.
"Disappointed?" I'm very sorry, I'll try harder this time. "Badly worded?" Yeah, I'm not very good at this writing stuff. "Jokes?" Jokes? Really? Well, I never. Let's see you write a newsletter, and I can call all of your hard work "jokes."
crumbley: $27 for a four issue set!? I'll take six sets plz
Great news! As a premium subscriber, you get SIX issues for $27, plus the free Issue #1 included with this issue.
gulz26:
No glossy or PDF versions?
Well, apparently you haven't read the announcement in the housekeeping section at the top of this issue. PDF versions are here!
themanknownas: It sucked worse then a best of miz dvd
This one hurt the most. Hopefully, this PDF version will be more to your liking.
Thank you for the feedback guys, and keep it coming! Maybe you could be featured in next issue's "Your Feedback" section and you can brag to all of your friends.
RAW Report - September 26, 2011
Monday was my sisters birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!) so I didn't see Raw. I did hear about Jerry Lawler's anal bleeding.
Jerry "The King" Lawler is one of two pro wrestlers I've ever met. He came into the sports store I managed, and looked at our small selection Cleveland Browns merchandise (which was a lot for a store in New York). He said "You got a nice store here!" I said "You're the king, aren't you?" He nodded, and signed an autograph. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, Jerry.
Chordtype's Review - Urban Wrestling Federation
Here's a shitty long review of the latest Urban Wrestling Federation Show called 'Hood Justice.'
Show
opened with a recap from First Blood. First thing we see is Murder 1
from the ATL stabbing Lowlife Louie, who I believe is associated with
Uncle Murda (no relation to Murder 1) with a fork. Not knowing the back
story I can only assume that Lowlife Louie deserved it. They also
showed some multiple man match that didn't feature a stabbing.
Disappointing. What followed was 3 minutes of men asking other men if
they had their money. Then someone shot at a car, with a gun.
Anyway back to the present and the show is about to begin. Shit about to get real.
The
show starts with two burly black chaps backstage. They talk about how
they have a 'solid relationship' and 'fuck the baddest bitches' and one
of them says that 'it's about to get real, real real.' Told you shit
was about to get real. Some other unidentified black chap walks up to
them. This cunt is apparently fucking with that fool Uncle Murda and
that other fool Brisco. This cunt tells them that Brisco and Murda are
his homies. I don't know who these people are but I know that they are
both after the paper, which I'm guessing means the money.
''Fucking
guns man, what the fuck are we seeing? I didn't sign up for this shit"
is the first thing that we hear from the commentators.
Another of
the commentators who may be Robbie Marino comes out with the solid
advice that 'if you play pussy, you get fucked everytime'. Remember that
next time you play pussy.
The seemingly 16 man strong commentary
team does a good job of putting over the importance of winning on the
show. In an era where people complain about championships meaning
nothing Urban Wrestling Federation certainly bucks the trend. In WWE,
being World Champion means you get a belt but in UWF that championship
is about 'money, power, respect, houses, cars, planes, boats, guns,
weed, bitches.'
Anyway it's time for the first match.
First
out is Ricky Reyes, formally of the Havana Pitbulls. No sign of fellow
Pitbull Rocky Romero, who I can only assume has been put down under the
rules of the Dangerous Dog Act 1991. Instead Reyes is accompanied to
the ring by Cuban Link (no relation to the Nintendo character) and BC
Killer (no relation to DC Sniper). He's also accompanied by a tall
leggy black woman, the first of many on the show. She appears to be
having trouble waking in her heels.
Out
next is his opponent Slyck Wagner Brown who comes with earphones in.
I'm assuming that he's listening to the timeless classical music of his
brother, Bobby Brown. One of the commentators mentions that Wagner may
be shook up after getting shot at. What a pussy. Uncle Murda joins
Wagner at ringside. In terms of sheer screen presence Uncle Murda is up
there with other famous Uncles. I'd put him just behind Uncle Buck but
ahead of Uncle Dave, owner of Wonderworld from Beverly Hills Cop III.
Before the match starts we get some high quality graphic to let us know that this is a 'Street King Title Qualifier Match'.
I don't think this has anything to do with the film Street Kings. I really hope it doesn't because that movie was shit.
Anyway
the match is about to start. I won't bother recapping the matches
because nobody watches the Urban Wrestling Federation for the in ring
action. The commentary is for the most part largely nonsensical but
great. One of them appears to speak only in rhyme. It's just like
watching 8 Mile. Someone comes out and attacks BC Killer and they
battle back to the backstage area as the focus goes back to the action
outside the ring. The pinnacle of the in ring action was Wagner lifting
Reyes for a delayed vertical suplex. As soon as he had him up one of
the commentators immediately began his count at 4….5….6, then quickly
said 'look at this' and somehow in the passing 3 seconds managed to make
it up to 20.
I
must note that there is apparently no rules in the UWF except the rope
break rule, which I believe to be a knowing tribute to the Japanese UWF.
Anyways Reyes locked in the crippler crossface and Wagner tapped out.
Next
up we have a shit load of backstage stuff. I recognized Willie Mack
but that's it. The apparent leader of this 'crew' leaves and some white
fella walks in. Basically they are all trying to get down with the
leaders bird.
Now two people are walking past each other trying
at Uncle Murda's building. Two white chaps are leaving and two black
chaps entering. It's like a big multiracial orgy.
The narrative
of this show is proper confusing like Memento or the ending to Ocean's
Eleven. Anyway I'm skipping loads of stuff because I don't know what's
happening.
The artist formerly known as Sabian, Jeez apparently 'fucks up someone's pussy'. Not what you think.
There might have been a segment with the S.A.T. but they didn't speak so I can't be sure.
I
think the basic point of this was to show that people want money. In
between this someone bought someone's spot in a match and sealed the
deal with a bro shake so quick not even the highest quality slow motion
camera could capture it.
Also
Uncle Murda commented that Beyonce looked nice. I don't think he used
the phrase 'looked nice' though. He said something far more urban.
Right
so, it's time for match number 2, which may turn out to be an
appropriate name for it. Thankfully they have a graphic for each person
that comes out because I'm rubbish at putting names to faces and all
black people look the same to me. First out is someone called 40 Glocc
with Willie Mack and Famous B. I know Willie Mack from PWG but have no
idea who Famous B is or what he is famous for. They also have a leggy
woman with them (the same one everyone wanted to get with earlier).
Wonder why?
Next
out is Billy Blue, who is actually black. He's the guy who's pussy got
'fucked up earlier'. He's out there acting an apostle to his main man
Jeez.
Out
next is Brisco, the third Brisco brother, who is related to both Mark
and Jay and Jack and Gerald depending on which wrestling newsletter you
believe and how you feel about the correct spelling of the name. He
isn't given a first name so we'll call him Dark Brisco. Dark Brisco was
apparently responsible for the name change of the famous Brisco
Brother's Body Shop to Brisco Brother's Chop Shop. Brisoco's
representative in the match is Bandito Junior, one half of the Danish
Dance duo Junior Senior. Scorpio Sky comes out a couple of minutes after
the match has started. Unreliable. He doesn't get a picture because of
this.
Anyway
the match starts and the commentators give a masterclass in urban
similes. The highlight included the double whammy of 'he just shitted
on him like x-lax' and 'sprung like a sack of shit.' Take that Gil
Scott-Heron.
This was basically your old X Division PPV opener
with black people instead of Chris Sabin and Petey Williams. Jeez won
with a doublestomp off the top rope, or as it's also known the finish to
every CZW undercard match from 2008 on.
More vignette shit. The
two punks that were leaving Uncle Murda's 'crib' ran into someone else
who wanted to talk to the Uncle. Murda tells him that money ain't
rolling in like it's mean to be. See even Murdaing ain't recession
proof. Should have gotten into selling crack or healthcare.
Now
for a bit of drama straight out of The OC. Rasche Brown has been told
that someone been fucking with one of his bitches and he ain't happy.
He calls out "Rich Ortiz" which we're told is his 'government name'.
When you have an actual shooting with a gun on your show, shooting with
'government names' seems rather redundant. Still it was an insightful
look behind the curtain.
Out
comes Ortiz, billed as Beast Ortiz. Beast Ortiz is an interesting
fella. He's as big at four cats and rumor has it that instead of a
mouth he's got four arses. My pictures are inconclusive. He tells
Rasche that's he's too angry and needs to calm down. He says that he's
got some cream for that and they both start fucking in the ring. The
crowd love it.
That's
what should have happened to end this bloodshed. Instead Beast
insinuates that Rasche's bitch has an unshaven vagina. No conclusive
proof is given. Instead of a close up of a vagina we are given another
high quality graphic letting us know that this is another Street King
Title Qualifier Match.
Anyway
they both have a match where they trade forearms NOAH style. One of
them teases a superplex from the top rope into the crowd about 30 foot
away. That would have been good. Rasche won with a spear in what was a
decent match. Nothing to write home about though. Not that anybody who
bought this show can write mind you.
So that's the end of the
wrestling. Now it's time for the street fighting. It's not actually on
a street but a rather narrow back alley. Lowlife Louie, the kind of
person you expect to be in a back alley calls out Murder 1, the same
chap that shanked him with the fork OZ style. Ain't no Tim McManus here
this time though to keep the peace this time. They start fighting in
the alley and suddenly one of them starts making the fucking Cactus Jack
noise. It's really annoying and makes you wish that the person doing
it would get shot in a drive by, which statistically probably will
happen. For some reason there is rings of barbed wire in this alley and
naturally it's used, as is a plastic bag. I think Louie put the bag
over Murder's face and I'm not sure If he died because my copy of the
show just suddenly ends.
Just in case, R.I.P. Murder 1. Looking forward to reading your Hitman Observer obit.
Can't wait for the next show.
Chordtype is a frequent guest correspondent in The Hitman Observer Newsletter and a man of many talents. You can follow him on twitter @chordtype, and also, check out his site
http://guiltbyimplication.tumblr.com
INSIDER NEWZ
One of my “Best friends” Sinbad sent
an article to Bryan and Dave instead of me, so he has officially been banned
from submitting anything to the Hitman Observer Newsletter.
I’ve taken a much more hands off
approach in my second week as the leader of Wrestling Observer/F4Wonline. Things seem to be running smoothly.
Due
to space restrictions, the review of TNA Impact for September 29 will be in the
next issue.
For more information on the Wrestling Observer, Figure 4 Online, and
Hitman Observer go to http://f4wonline.com
and subscribe. Be sure to tell them The Hitman sent you. They will
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