SUMMERSLAM THOUGHTS
These were my predictions for Summerslam, which should indicate how well I will do on my college football predictions later in this newsletter (correct prediction in bold):
CM Punk beats the Big Show and John Cena
Triple H beats Brock Lesnar
Sheamus beat Alberto Del Rio
Dolph Ziggler beats Chris Jericho
Kofi-Truth beats Primetime Players
The Miz beats Rey Mysterio
Daniel Bryan beats Kane
I didn't watch the show aside from the Triple H/Brock Lesnar match, and the Triple Threat. I enjoyed what I saw, but I'm glad I didn't pony up $55 or however much it is for a WWE Pay-Per-View these days. I'm glad that Brock beat Triple H, but honestly, wouldn't have been that upset if my prediction turned true.
That's really all of the thoughts I had on it.
NCAA FOOTBALL PREDICTIONS
ACC ATLANTIC: FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES
ACC COASTAL: Virginia Tech
ACC Title Game: FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES
Maybe I'm playing favorites, but I just feel like Florida State is going to be easily the best team in the conference this year. Clemson may give them a run, especially if they end up beating them when I'm in Florida at the end of September (Florida State has never won a game while I was in the state of Florida), but I just the FSU is too good. On the Coastal side, I was between the Techs, and I essentially went with Virginia Tech because Georgia Tech has to play there for their first game. They're that close, in my thinking. Florida State is the only team in the conference that I think will make any kind of push for the National Title game, but the loss of Greg Reid could hamper that (though I completely understand them letting him go).
BIG EAST: South Florida
It's going to be quite a challenge, since USF went 1-6 in the conference last year, but I think B.J. Daniels is going to get his shit together and lead USF back into some national prominence. I feel like if they beat Florida State (while I'm in the state of Florida also, mind you) then they could very well go undefeated. Louisville will also be a strong contender, too...and probably more of a favorite, but I'm not feeling them like I am USF.
BIG TEN LEGENDS: Michigan
BIG TEN LOSERS: Wisconsin
BIG TEN Title Game: Michigan
The Legends division is strong with Michigan, Michigan State, and Nebraska all with solid shots of winning it, and I could see either Michigan team making some National noise, especially Michigan if they beat Alabama to open the season. I chose Michigan because I think they will be just a little bit better than the other two, though not a lot. I really didn't want to pick Wisconsin, because I'm pretty sure 99.9% of anyone who knows anything about college football are picking them, with a third of the Leaders division ineligible, but Purdue, Illinois and Indiana just don't promote any confidence in me. I think Ohio State will likely finish with a better conference record than Wisconsin, but that doesn't mean anything for them.
BIG 12: Oklahoma
I am very interested in this conference this year with TCU and West Virginia in the fold. Oklahoma just seems so much better than the rest of the conference, and is definitely a solid pick for the national title game. TCU will probably go 7-0, but then they end with a brutal five game stretch with @ Oklahoma State, @ West Virgina, Kansas State, bye, @ Texas, then finishing with Oklahoma at home. If they take down OK State and West Virginia two weeks in a row then that momentum could carry them all the way to the Oklahoma game. I just think that that's too tough of a road for any team. I toyed with the idea of picking West Virginia as they get TCU, KState, and Oklahoma at home, but I just don't feel safe picking them, like I do Oklahoma.
CONFERENCE USA: Tulsa
I know there are divisions in Conference USA, but I just have no idea who to pick in the East with Central Florida being banned from postseason play. I believe Houston and Tulsa will still be the two best teams in the West, but I cannot, with good conscience pick a team that plays nobody on their non-conference schedule. At least Tulsa will man up to play @Arkansas. This conference isn't very good, but it's better than the worst out there. Too bad it's going to get gutted next year.
MAC: Ohio
No clue. Go Buffalo!
MOUNTAIN WEST: Boise State
Boise State lost its only real competition in its conference with TCU playing with the big boys of the BCS now. Wyoming and San Diego State should probably finish the closest, but that could conceivably be 2 games behind when all is said and done. If Boise beats Michigan State, then the discussion will be brought up again about if they go undefeated, should they be in the national title game (answer: FUCK NO).
PAC-12 NORTH: Oregon
PAC-12 SOUTH: USC
PAC-12: USC
If USC loses any games this year it will be an upset, and aside from that team beating Oregon, it would be a HUGE upset. I can easily foresee a 14-0 season for them. If Oregon gets 2 shots at them, then that would be the biggest shot at USC taking a loss this year before the BCS Title game. In the North: fuck Oregon. Seriously.
SEC EAST: Georgia
SEC WEST: Arkansas
SEC: Georgia
The West is where it is at in college football these days, and aside from Florida State or Oklahoma going undefeated, the West winner may have a free ride into the national title game (or maybe even the second place finisher as we saw last year) against USC. I believe the Arkansas will thrive without Bobby Petrino, and if LSU and Alabama are both going to be knocked off their respective perches, then this is the year to do it. I will pick them because no one else will. I LOVE Georgia's schedule as they avoid the Big 3 in the West, and get Florida at home. South Carolina is the only team that may give the Bulldogs a run, but they could conceivably beat Georgia at home, then lose to LSU and Arkansas, and lose the division.
SUN BELT AND WAC: Who cares?
BCS TITLE GAME: USC beats OKLAHOMA
If Florida State beats my curse and goes undefeated, then they would have a good shot to get in, and if I'm wrong about LSU and Alabama (probably) then one of them will get in against USC. I would pick any of those 3 teams over USC, but I think USC will have the undefeated season and get the slot, and so will Oklahoma. I fully believe that this season will bring some assurance that the four team playoff is a good decision (I would have preferred eight, but I'll take what I can get) as there will be a team or two with legitimate gripes about getting passed over for the BCS Title Game.
INDEPENDENTS:
Notre Dame will go 8-4 and earn a decent bowl bid.
Brigham Young will do the same and earn a lesser bowl.
WHAT IF THERE WERE AN 8 TEAM PLAYOFF
If there were an 8 team playoff (highest seed remaining plays lowest seed), then I believe the teams would be:
#1 USC
#2 Oklahoma
#3 Georgia
#4 Michigan
#5 FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES
#6 Alabama
#7 Boise State
#8 South Florida
USC beats USF
Oklahoma beats Boise State
Alabama beats Georgia
Florida State beats Michigan
Alabama beats USC
Oklahoma beats Florida State
Alabama beats Oklahoma
I guess a 2nd place team in a division would repeat as National Champion.
That's all for this issue of the Hitman Observer Newsletter. The next issue may have even less pro wrestling in it (as in none) and I will have my 2012 NFL Predictions! If you have any comments or questions feel free to send them to hitmanobserver@thehitmansrealm.com
or comment on this post or send me a PM on The Board, if you're there. If I get any, it's pretty safe to say I will add them to the letters section of the newsletter as I haven't gotten any yet.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Hitman Observer Newsletter #3 - August 18, 2012
Summerslam Preview
Summerslam is tomorrow! I'm probably not getting it since I don't watch much wrestling these days, but I'm still going to make a few predictions:
CM Punk beats the Big Show and John Cena
Triple H beats Brock Lesnar
Sheamus beat Alberto Del Rio
Dolph Ziggler beats Chris Jericho
Kofi-Truth beats Primetime Players
The Miz beats Rey Mysterio
Daniel Bryan beats Kane
SHOW REVIEWS
Oriental Heat's Review of TNA Hardcore Justice
no Gail Kim?
fuck this
The Hitman's Raw Raw Report
I didn't watch Raw, but I heard that a lot happened. If you're going to watch Summerslam, you might want to check it out.
The Hitman's Impact Report
I didn't watch the show, but I heard TIFFANY came back. Stay tuned for the BREAKING NEWS segment for more news on that.
BREAKING NEWS
In honor of Taryn Tarrell (TIFFANY!) returning to wrestling. My avatar will be changing back to her, once again...if you're reading this on Sunday or Monday, you probably already noticed this.
THE HITMAN PLAYS GAMES
Nancy Drew: The Haunted Carousel
So, during the Summer Steam Sale, a game appeared in my games list that I had never seen before. It was a Nancy Drew game. I know for a fact, I never bought a Nancy Drew game. Why would I? I'm pretty sure those are for girls. I think they may have come with a bundle that I bought. I don't know. What I do know is that my experiences playing this game must be recorded. Where better to record these experiences that the return of the Hitman Observer Newsletter?
Okay. The menu is a stack of books. Clever!
My first decision is whether or not I'm a Junior or Senior Detective or to take the tutorial. I chose Senior Detective, because I'm a real man (playing a girls game)!
Nancy Drew sounds like she's in hew thirties. I always thought she was akid.
Oh man. Someone stole a horse from a carousel? The carousel spins by itself? Creepy!
The first thing I did was look around the hotel room they placed me in. Laptop! There's something called Flag Game on the laptop. I must play it. It's basically Bejeweled with Nautical Flags. I spent 20 minutes beating the game twice before moving on.
The laptop also has Things to Do and a Journal with both actually seem like they'll be helpful on my quest.
Also there's email. Apparently I've signed up for Sassy Detective Online. I'm hoping that that Board is the female equivalent to the one I'm used to, because I'm so there if it is.
Just noticed I have a cell phone. After the pre-requisite attempt at calling 1-900-HOTSLUT, I checked the directory and saw I have the Hardy Boys number! Unfortunately it's Frank and Joe not Matt and Jeff. Okay, they offer me some advice that I really wasn't listening to so now I guess that it's time to actually play the game.
Apparently I'm supposed to call the woman who wanted me to solve the mystery. She pretty much rehashes what I've already been told, so I'm going to head to the Amusement park.
Lot's of talking! First I talked to the security guard, who let me into the place and gave me a ride and games card! Sweet! After like five minutes of talking, I got to see a security tape of the Haunted Carousel! Spooky!
Then I had to go talk to the accountant. She was whiny and boring. I looked around her office, being the great detective that I am of course, and I found a note! Apparently somebody tried to sell one of the horses from the carousel. SUSPICIOUS!
I've had enough detective work for one day! I'm going to the midway to play some games. The first game was a swimmer's game that was a lot like tht parking game on my phone. I won a token for beating three levels! Next was squid toss. This was a frustrating squid tossing game and now I'm onut of fun credits. I guess that means I'm done with the game.
Well, that was an hour of fun.
NEXT ISSUE
Coming in a week or so, I will have my college football predictions along with any thoughts I may have on the Summerslam PPV. Stay tuned!
Summerslam is tomorrow! I'm probably not getting it since I don't watch much wrestling these days, but I'm still going to make a few predictions:
CM Punk beats the Big Show and John Cena
Triple H beats Brock Lesnar
Sheamus beat Alberto Del Rio
Dolph Ziggler beats Chris Jericho
Kofi-Truth beats Primetime Players
The Miz beats Rey Mysterio
Daniel Bryan beats Kane
SHOW REVIEWS
Oriental Heat's Review of TNA Hardcore Justice
no Gail Kim?
fuck this
The Hitman's Raw Raw Report
I didn't watch Raw, but I heard that a lot happened. If you're going to watch Summerslam, you might want to check it out.
The Hitman's Impact Report
I didn't watch the show, but I heard TIFFANY came back. Stay tuned for the BREAKING NEWS segment for more news on that.
BREAKING NEWS
In honor of Taryn Tarrell (TIFFANY!) returning to wrestling. My avatar will be changing back to her, once again...if you're reading this on Sunday or Monday, you probably already noticed this.
THE HITMAN PLAYS GAMES
Nancy Drew: The Haunted Carousel
So, during the Summer Steam Sale, a game appeared in my games list that I had never seen before. It was a Nancy Drew game. I know for a fact, I never bought a Nancy Drew game. Why would I? I'm pretty sure those are for girls. I think they may have come with a bundle that I bought. I don't know. What I do know is that my experiences playing this game must be recorded. Where better to record these experiences that the return of the Hitman Observer Newsletter?
Okay. The menu is a stack of books. Clever!
My first decision is whether or not I'm a Junior or Senior Detective or to take the tutorial. I chose Senior Detective, because I'm a real man (playing a girls game)!
Nancy Drew sounds like she's in hew thirties. I always thought she was akid.
Oh man. Someone stole a horse from a carousel? The carousel spins by itself? Creepy!
The first thing I did was look around the hotel room they placed me in. Laptop! There's something called Flag Game on the laptop. I must play it. It's basically Bejeweled with Nautical Flags. I spent 20 minutes beating the game twice before moving on.
The laptop also has Things to Do and a Journal with both actually seem like they'll be helpful on my quest.
Also there's email. Apparently I've signed up for Sassy Detective Online. I'm hoping that that Board is the female equivalent to the one I'm used to, because I'm so there if it is.
Just noticed I have a cell phone. After the pre-requisite attempt at calling 1-900-HOTSLUT, I checked the directory and saw I have the Hardy Boys number! Unfortunately it's Frank and Joe not Matt and Jeff. Okay, they offer me some advice that I really wasn't listening to so now I guess that it's time to actually play the game.
Apparently I'm supposed to call the woman who wanted me to solve the mystery. She pretty much rehashes what I've already been told, so I'm going to head to the Amusement park.
Lot's of talking! First I talked to the security guard, who let me into the place and gave me a ride and games card! Sweet! After like five minutes of talking, I got to see a security tape of the Haunted Carousel! Spooky!
Then I had to go talk to the accountant. She was whiny and boring. I looked around her office, being the great detective that I am of course, and I found a note! Apparently somebody tried to sell one of the horses from the carousel. SUSPICIOUS!
I've had enough detective work for one day! I'm going to the midway to play some games. The first game was a swimmer's game that was a lot like tht parking game on my phone. I won a token for beating three levels! Next was squid toss. This was a frustrating squid tossing game and now I'm onut of fun credits. I guess that means I'm done with the game.
Well, that was an hour of fun.
NEXT ISSUE
Coming in a week or so, I will have my college football predictions along with any thoughts I may have on the Summerslam PPV. Stay tuned!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The Hitman's Impactful Impact! Report - August 2, 2012
I didn't watch the show, but I heard there was a ladies match that was a mess. James Storm vs. Kurt Angle might have been good. You might want to check it out. Or don't.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
The Hitman's Raw RAW Report
I didn't watch it but I heard C.M. Punk was on it. p. good show...maybe...I don't know
Monday, May 28, 2012
Thursday, October 13, 2011
TNA Impact Wrestling - 10/13/2011 Live Play-by-play!
TOTAL NONSTOP ALCOHOL IMPACT IS BACK!!!!
I haven't even poured one yet
It sucks that WWE somehow owns "It's true"
Ah fuck, I owe WWE money now.
Vinnie V in the front row!
I liked that segment...except for the fake fans making noise. They sucked.
I want a Monsters Ball match at Bound For Glory GODDAMMIT!
I want Jarrett and Abyss for the Mexican Title in a MONSTER'S BALL MATCH
My God, Jerry Lynn is fucking old
In other news, the sky is blue
Rob Van Dam and A.J. Styles beat Christopher Daniels and Jerry Lynn
I enjoyed that match
Matt Morgan beat Samoa Joe
Remember when Samoa Joe was one half of the biggest buy rate in company history?
Joe is fat
And bitchy
And sweaty
And probably smelly. No wonder they bury him.
YOU STINK JOE (literally)
I like Hernandez and his lackey friend.
Rosita is fucking tiny
They made a Paranormal Activity 2?
Spanky and Jobber beat Austin Aries and Kid Kash
I fucking love Austin Aries (no homo)
Who the fuck is this jobber?
SPANKY USED THE BELT! DISQUALIFY HIM!
Fuck you Spanky and Jobber Friend.
Buncha Knockouts brawled
Is this catfight in slow motion?
Okay, I'm done. Gonna go play NBA2K12
I haven't even poured one yet
Kurt looks old
It sucks that WWE somehow owns "It's true"
Ah fuck, I owe WWE money now.
Vinnie V in the front row!
He has the belt and all the power!
I liked that segment...except for the fake fans making noise. They sucked.
I want a Monsters Ball match at Bound For Glory GODDAMMIT!
I want Jarrett and Abyss for the Mexican Title in a MONSTER'S BALL MATCH
My God, Jerry Lynn is fucking old
In other news, the sky is blue
Rob Van Dam and A.J. Styles beat Christopher Daniels and Jerry Lynn
I enjoyed that match
Matt Morgan beat Samoa Joe
Remember when Samoa Joe was one half of the biggest buy rate in company history?
Joe is fat
And bitchy
And sweaty
And probably smelly. No wonder they bury him.
YOU STINK JOE (literally)
I like Hernandez and his lackey friend.
Rosita is fucking tiny
They made a Paranormal Activity 2?
Spanky and Jobber beat Austin Aries and Kid Kash
I fucking love Austin Aries (no homo)
Who the fuck is this jobber?
SPANKY USED THE BELT! DISQUALIFY HIM!
Fuck you Spanky and Jobber Friend.
Buncha Knockouts brawled
Is this catfight in slow motion?
Okay, I'm done. Gonna go play NBA2K12
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Hell in a Cell 2011 Predictions
Beth Phoenix over Kelly Kelly
Sin Cara over Sin Cara
Sheamus over Christian
John Cena over Alberto Del Rio and CM Punk (pinning Del Rio)
Mark Henry over Randy Orton
Suck it limericklad!
Friday, September 30, 2011
The Hitman Observer Newsletter #2 - September 30, 2011 WITH PDF
Housekeeping
And they said it wouldn't last six days. That's right. The Hitman Observer Newsletter still survives seven days after the first one. With new features! Such as "Your Feedback," a section where you will see your feedback, and I reply to it. There's also chordtype's review of Urban Wrestling Foundation (which I didn't see).
Most importantly, this issue has a PDF version! That's right P! D! F! You can click the little button on the bottom and view this issue in PDF form. You can also print it and pirate it (please don't, I have a skinny wife to feed) and show it to all of your friends. Name another newsletter that lets you do that. As an extra bonus for premium subscribers, you will get Issue #1, also in PDF form! It will be right after this issue, so that's two issues for the price of one.
Well, with that important announcement out of the way, onto the content!
Your Feedback
sirroddick: It sucked
Well, that's not very nice. I tried my best.
Tom Violence: Was very disappointed. Nowhere near enough badly worded jokes.
"Disappointed?" I'm very sorry, I'll try harder this time. "Badly worded?" Yeah, I'm not very good at this writing stuff. "Jokes?" Jokes? Really? Well, I never. Let's see you write a newsletter, and I can call all of your hard work "jokes."
crumbley: $27 for a four issue set!? I'll take six sets plz
Great news! As a premium subscriber, you get SIX issues for $27, plus the free Issue #1 included with this issue.
gulz26: No glossy or PDF versions?
Well, apparently you haven't read the announcement in the housekeeping section at the top of this issue. PDF versions are here!
themanknownas: It sucked worse then a best of miz dvd
This one hurt the most. Hopefully, this PDF version will be more to your liking.
Thank you for the feedback guys, and keep it coming! Maybe you could be featured in next issue's "Your Feedback" section and you can brag to all of your friends.
RAW Report - September 26, 2011
Monday was my sisters birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!) so I didn't see Raw. I did hear about Jerry Lawler's anal bleeding.
Jerry "The King" Lawler is one of two pro wrestlers I've ever met. He came into the sports store I managed, and looked at our small selection Cleveland Browns merchandise (which was a lot for a store in New York). He said "You got a nice store here!" I said "You're the king, aren't you?" He nodded, and signed an autograph. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, Jerry.
Chordtype's Review - Urban Wrestling Federation
Here's a shitty long review of the latest Urban Wrestling Federation Show called 'Hood Justice.'

Show opened with a recap from First Blood. First thing we see is Murder 1 from the ATL stabbing Lowlife Louie, who I believe is associated with Uncle Murda (no relation to Murder 1) with a fork. Not knowing the back story I can only assume that Lowlife Louie deserved it. They also showed some multiple man match that didn't feature a stabbing. Disappointing. What followed was 3 minutes of men asking other men if they had their money. Then someone shot at a car, with a gun.


Anyway back to the present and the show is about to begin. Shit about to get real.
The show starts with two burly black chaps backstage. They talk about how they have a 'solid relationship' and 'fuck the baddest bitches' and one of them says that 'it's about to get real, real real.' Told you shit was about to get real. Some other unidentified black chap walks up to them. This cunt is apparently fucking with that fool Uncle Murda and that other fool Brisco. This cunt tells them that Brisco and Murda are his homies. I don't know who these people are but I know that they are both after the paper, which I'm guessing means the money.
''Fucking guns man, what the fuck are we seeing? I didn't sign up for this shit" is the first thing that we hear from the commentators.
Another of the commentators who may be Robbie Marino comes out with the solid advice that 'if you play pussy, you get fucked everytime'. Remember that next time you play pussy.
The seemingly 16 man strong commentary team does a good job of putting over the importance of winning on the show. In an era where people complain about championships meaning nothing Urban Wrestling Federation certainly bucks the trend. In WWE, being World Champion means you get a belt but in UWF that championship is about 'money, power, respect, houses, cars, planes, boats, guns, weed, bitches.'
Anyway it's time for the first match.
First out is Ricky Reyes, formally of the Havana Pitbulls. No sign of fellow Pitbull Rocky Romero, who I can only assume has been put down under the rules of the Dangerous Dog Act 1991. Instead Reyes is accompanied to the ring by Cuban Link (no relation to the Nintendo character) and BC Killer (no relation to DC Sniper). He's also accompanied by a tall leggy black woman, the first of many on the show. She appears to be having trouble waking in her heels.

Out next is his opponent Slyck Wagner Brown who comes with earphones in. I'm assuming that he's listening to the timeless classical music of his brother, Bobby Brown. One of the commentators mentions that Wagner may be shook up after getting shot at. What a pussy. Uncle Murda joins Wagner at ringside. In terms of sheer screen presence Uncle Murda is up there with other famous Uncles. I'd put him just behind Uncle Buck but ahead of Uncle Dave, owner of Wonderworld from Beverly Hills Cop III.
Before the match starts we get some high quality graphic to let us know that this is a 'Street King Title Qualifier Match'.

Show opened with a recap from First Blood. First thing we see is Murder 1 from the ATL stabbing Lowlife Louie, who I believe is associated with Uncle Murda (no relation to Murder 1) with a fork. Not knowing the back story I can only assume that Lowlife Louie deserved it. They also showed some multiple man match that didn't feature a stabbing. Disappointing. What followed was 3 minutes of men asking other men if they had their money. Then someone shot at a car, with a gun.


Anyway back to the present and the show is about to begin. Shit about to get real.
The show starts with two burly black chaps backstage. They talk about how they have a 'solid relationship' and 'fuck the baddest bitches' and one of them says that 'it's about to get real, real real.' Told you shit was about to get real. Some other unidentified black chap walks up to them. This cunt is apparently fucking with that fool Uncle Murda and that other fool Brisco. This cunt tells them that Brisco and Murda are his homies. I don't know who these people are but I know that they are both after the paper, which I'm guessing means the money.
''Fucking guns man, what the fuck are we seeing? I didn't sign up for this shit" is the first thing that we hear from the commentators.
Another of the commentators who may be Robbie Marino comes out with the solid advice that 'if you play pussy, you get fucked everytime'. Remember that next time you play pussy.
The seemingly 16 man strong commentary team does a good job of putting over the importance of winning on the show. In an era where people complain about championships meaning nothing Urban Wrestling Federation certainly bucks the trend. In WWE, being World Champion means you get a belt but in UWF that championship is about 'money, power, respect, houses, cars, planes, boats, guns, weed, bitches.'
Anyway it's time for the first match.
First out is Ricky Reyes, formally of the Havana Pitbulls. No sign of fellow Pitbull Rocky Romero, who I can only assume has been put down under the rules of the Dangerous Dog Act 1991. Instead Reyes is accompanied to the ring by Cuban Link (no relation to the Nintendo character) and BC Killer (no relation to DC Sniper). He's also accompanied by a tall leggy black woman, the first of many on the show. She appears to be having trouble waking in her heels.

Out next is his opponent Slyck Wagner Brown who comes with earphones in. I'm assuming that he's listening to the timeless classical music of his brother, Bobby Brown. One of the commentators mentions that Wagner may be shook up after getting shot at. What a pussy. Uncle Murda joins Wagner at ringside. In terms of sheer screen presence Uncle Murda is up there with other famous Uncles. I'd put him just behind Uncle Buck but ahead of Uncle Dave, owner of Wonderworld from Beverly Hills Cop III.
Before the match starts we get some high quality graphic to let us know that this is a 'Street King Title Qualifier Match'.

I don't think this has anything to do with the film Street Kings. I really hope it doesn't because that movie was shit.
Anyway the match is about to start. I won't bother recapping the matches because nobody watches the Urban Wrestling Federation for the in ring action. The commentary is for the most part largely nonsensical but great. One of them appears to speak only in rhyme. It's just like watching 8 Mile. Someone comes out and attacks BC Killer and they battle back to the backstage area as the focus goes back to the action outside the ring. The pinnacle of the in ring action was Wagner lifting Reyes for a delayed vertical suplex. As soon as he had him up one of the commentators immediately began his count at 4….5….6, then quickly said 'look at this' and somehow in the passing 3 seconds managed to make it up to 20.
Anyway the match is about to start. I won't bother recapping the matches because nobody watches the Urban Wrestling Federation for the in ring action. The commentary is for the most part largely nonsensical but great. One of them appears to speak only in rhyme. It's just like watching 8 Mile. Someone comes out and attacks BC Killer and they battle back to the backstage area as the focus goes back to the action outside the ring. The pinnacle of the in ring action was Wagner lifting Reyes for a delayed vertical suplex. As soon as he had him up one of the commentators immediately began his count at 4….5….6, then quickly said 'look at this' and somehow in the passing 3 seconds managed to make it up to 20.

I must note that there is apparently no rules in the UWF except the rope break rule, which I believe to be a knowing tribute to the Japanese UWF. Anyways Reyes locked in the crippler crossface and Wagner tapped out.
Next up we have a shit load of backstage stuff. I recognized Willie Mack but that's it. The apparent leader of this 'crew' leaves and some white fella walks in. Basically they are all trying to get down with the leaders bird.
Now two people are walking past each other trying at Uncle Murda's building. Two white chaps are leaving and two black chaps entering. It's like a big multiracial orgy.
The narrative of this show is proper confusing like Memento or the ending to Ocean's Eleven. Anyway I'm skipping loads of stuff because I don't know what's happening.
The artist formerly known as Sabian, Jeez apparently 'fucks up someone's pussy'. Not what you think.
There might have been a segment with the S.A.T. but they didn't speak so I can't be sure.
I think the basic point of this was to show that people want money. In between this someone bought someone's spot in a match and sealed the deal with a bro shake so quick not even the highest quality slow motion camera could capture it.

Also Uncle Murda commented that Beyonce looked nice. I don't think he used the phrase 'looked nice' though. He said something far more urban.
Right so, it's time for match number 2, which may turn out to be an appropriate name for it. Thankfully they have a graphic for each person that comes out because I'm rubbish at putting names to faces and all black people look the same to me. First out is someone called 40 Glocc with Willie Mack and Famous B. I know Willie Mack from PWG but have no idea who Famous B is or what he is famous for. They also have a leggy woman with them (the same one everyone wanted to get with earlier). Wonder why?

Next out is Billy Blue, who is actually black. He's the guy who's pussy got 'fucked up earlier'. He's out there acting an apostle to his main man Jeez.
Out next is Brisco, the third Brisco brother, who is related to both Mark and Jay and Jack and Gerald depending on which wrestling newsletter you believe and how you feel about the correct spelling of the name. He isn't given a first name so we'll call him Dark Brisco. Dark Brisco was apparently responsible for the name change of the famous Brisco Brother's Body Shop to Brisco Brother's Chop Shop. Brisoco's representative in the match is Bandito Junior, one half of the Danish Dance duo Junior Senior. Scorpio Sky comes out a couple of minutes after the match has started. Unreliable. He doesn't get a picture because of this.
Anyway the match starts and the commentators give a masterclass in urban similes. The highlight included the double whammy of 'he just shitted on him like x-lax' and 'sprung like a sack of shit.' Take that Gil Scott-Heron.
This was basically your old X Division PPV opener with black people instead of Chris Sabin and Petey Williams. Jeez won with a doublestomp off the top rope, or as it's also known the finish to every CZW undercard match from 2008 on.
More vignette shit. The two punks that were leaving Uncle Murda's 'crib' ran into someone else who wanted to talk to the Uncle. Murda tells him that money ain't rolling in like it's mean to be. See even Murdaing ain't recession proof. Should have gotten into selling crack or healthcare.
Now for a bit of drama straight out of The OC. Rasche Brown has been told that someone been fucking with one of his bitches and he ain't happy. He calls out "Rich Ortiz" which we're told is his 'government name'. When you have an actual shooting with a gun on your show, shooting with 'government names' seems rather redundant. Still it was an insightful look behind the curtain.
Out comes Ortiz, billed as Beast Ortiz. Beast Ortiz is an interesting fella. He's as big at four cats and rumor has it that instead of a mouth he's got four arses. My pictures are inconclusive. He tells Rasche that's he's too angry and needs to calm down. He says that he's got some cream for that and they both start fucking in the ring. The crowd love it.
That's what should have happened to end this bloodshed. Instead Beast insinuates that Rasche's bitch has an unshaven vagina. No conclusive proof is given. Instead of a close up of a vagina we are given another high quality graphic letting us know that this is another Street King Title Qualifier Match.

Anyway they both have a match where they trade forearms NOAH style. One of them teases a superplex from the top rope into the crowd about 30 foot away. That would have been good. Rasche won with a spear in what was a decent match. Nothing to write home about though. Not that anybody who bought this show can write mind you.
So that's the end of the wrestling. Now it's time for the street fighting. It's not actually on a street but a rather narrow back alley. Lowlife Louie, the kind of person you expect to be in a back alley calls out Murder 1, the same chap that shanked him with the fork OZ style. Ain't no Tim McManus here this time though to keep the peace this time. They start fighting in the alley and suddenly one of them starts making the fucking Cactus Jack noise. It's really annoying and makes you wish that the person doing it would get shot in a drive by, which statistically probably will happen. For some reason there is rings of barbed wire in this alley and naturally it's used, as is a plastic bag. I think Louie put the bag over Murder's face and I'm not sure If he died because my copy of the show just suddenly ends.

Just in case, R.I.P. Murder 1. Looking forward to reading your Hitman Observer obit.
Can't wait for the next show.
Chordtype is a frequent guest correspondent in The Hitman Observer Newsletter and a man of many talents. You can follow him on twitter @chordtype, and also, check out his site http://guiltbyimplication.tumblr.com
INSIDER NEWZ
One of my “Best friends” Sinbad sent
an article to Bryan and Dave instead of me, so he has officially been banned
from submitting anything to the Hitman Observer Newsletter.
I’ve taken a much more hands off
approach in my second week as the leader of Wrestling Observer/F4Wonline. Things seem to be running smoothly.
Due
to space restrictions, the review of TNA Impact for September 29 will be in the
next issue.
For more information on the Wrestling Observer, Figure 4 Online, and
Hitman Observer go to http://f4wonline.com
and subscribe. Be sure to tell them The Hitman sent you. They will
probably pretend to be confused. Also be sure to visit my video game blog The Hitman's Video Game Meanderings
Friday, September 23, 2011
Hitman Observer Newsletter #1 - September 23, 2011
WWE Night of Champions PPV
Apparently, there was a pay-per-view last Sunday. I didn't watch it, but I heard that CM Punk was pinned clean and buried after 500 men ran in, including Kevin Nash, R-Truth, and The Miz, and attacked him and Triple H, both. Since CM Punk was pinned by said Triple H after the attack, it was deemed that he lost cleanly, and his career is probably over.
Also John Cena won the belt again.
Mark Henry is also a world champion, too. Awesome!
Overall, a show I didn't see.
WWE Monday Night Raw - September 19, 2011
I didn't see this show either. Apparently R-Truth and The Miz were fired for interfering in Triple H and CM Punk's match on the PPV the night before. Kevin Nash could not be fired because he was already fired a couple weeks ago.
Also on the show:
CM Punk was fired by Road Warrior Animal's brother, but quickly rehired by Triple H.
Wolverine broke Dolph Ziggler's jaw, just because.
I'm sure John Cena was on the show too, but since I didn't watch, I don't know.
Overall, another show I didn't see.
TNA Impact Wrestling - September 22, 2011
I didn't watch this show, but stylishone said it was good. So I'll believe him.
Overall, a good show that I didn't see.
INSIDER NEWZ
This week, I took over the Wrestling Observer/Figure 4 Online web site, as Dave Meltzer was deemed emotionally compromised by the second-in-command (myself). I have kept Dave on to continue his radio shows and newsletter, but I am the new leader of the site. Please be patient, as I'm still learning the ins-and-outs of leading a website, but I promise you, the reader, that I will lead this site into the Promise Land.
I don't have any other insider news. If you want that, go read Dave's newsletter.
For more information on the Wrestling Observer, Figure 4 Online, and Hitman Observer go to http://f4wonline.com and subscribe. Be sure to tell them The Hitman sent you. They will probably pretend to be confused.
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